I want to start off with some words from the College of William and Mary’s website. They have a page dedicated to helping students understand different admissions outcomes: accepted, deferred, waitlisted, and denied. And in that last bucket, they begin by saying:
“You are smart. You are accomplished. You are kind. You are deserving. Any school would be lucky to have you. This decision is not a reflection on you; it is only a reflection of how many amazing applicants we receive each year.” [1]
The only thing I would change about this is to say that it’s also a reflection on the college’s needs and priorities that year. But I agree with the overall message: you very likely could be successful at their college, and many of the other colleges you applied to. But the reality is that with some colleges receiving over 100,000 applications for anywhere from 2–9.000 seats, colleges can create tens—if not hundreds—of thousands of unique, equally strong freshman class permutations. [2]
So how do you cope with such uncertainty? Especially when you receive a deferral or waitlist. You may have gotten a few acceptances, yes, but you may be surrounded by friends celebrating their admissions decisions while you accumulate a pile of “thin envelopes”. What’s an anxious high-schooler to do?
Remember, it’s not personal
First of all, remember that a college’s decision is not personal. In her book, Valedictorians at the Gate: Standing Out, Getting In, and Staying Sane While Applying to College, Dartmouth admissions counselor Becky Munsterer Sabky notes: “College admissions officers make business decisions based on what’s best for the college [...] These decisions are not personal and an admitted student is no more ‘impressive’ than a denied student.” [3]
Notice that she labeled the admissions decision as a “business decision.” It’s about the college’s needs; it’s about the college’s priorities; and, let’s be real, it’s about the college’s finances. It’s not about you. Ron Lieber makes the same observation in his book The Price You Pay for College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make: “it’s not about you. It just isn’t.” [3]
While it might not make a difference to hear this in the moment, try to remember this fact. Write “It’s not personal” on a sticky note and stick it to your laptop, use a dry erase marker on your bedroom or bathroom mirror if you have to. Put it someplace where you’ll see it daily and just try to keep that in mind.
When I was in college, I used to have the phrase “Let go of the things you can’t control so you can focus on those you can,” on a sticky note attached to my computer monitor. Between writing research papers and playing online games, I spent an inordinate amount of time at my computer, so this was a convenient place for me to have this helpful reminder. I would look at it every day and try to think about everything that was bothering me that day (or that week), and inventory what was in my control and what wasn’t. Then, I tried to focus on the things I could affect with my decisions and push out the intrusive thoughts that harped on issues I could not control.
I tell that story to make the point that the intrusive thoughts still happened. I still worried about things outside my control. But I used the sticky note as a grounding device to remind myself to refocus. You (or your child) will still experience those feelings of disappointment. That’s normal. But try to leave reminders around the house—in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, on the computer, on a journal, wherever—to anchor and redirect those feelings when they occur.
Also, remember—RD decisions aren’t out yet
Your story’s not over. Whether you applied to 1 college early or 10, you still likely have regular-decision applications in the pipeline that you’re waiting for. Make a list of the colleges you have remaining to hear from, and keep that handy as a reminder of all the awesome possibilities that are still ahead of you. And those kids who got into their ED school and know where they’re going to college? Sure, they’re excited now, but just wait until you have multiple awesome options in front of you to choose from. Those ED students will begin to wonder whether they made the right choice applying ED. They get to celebrate now, but they’ll experience their own FOMO, doubts, and worries later when they wonder “what if…?” about the other colleges that were on their list. I don’t point that out to laugh at them, but just to say that you’re not alone in your worries. Those kids with ED acceptances will have their own doubts in due time, so it’s not like they “won” and you “lost”.
Go over your other schools that accepted you
Now’s the time to look at the colleges where you have gotten in and remind yourself why you applied to those colleges. Go back to your initial college list and all the research you (hopefully!) did when picking colleges to apply to in the first place. Pay special attention to the research you did into the colleges where you’ve been admitted. Maybe go back to their website and look more deeply into programs and opportunities there. Remember why you were interested in them. They’re excited enough about your application that they wanted to admit you, so try to get equally excited about attending those colleges! If you can, plan a trip to visit these colleges and schedule official tours. Reach out to the department you applied to, or just to the admissions office, and tell them you’re an admitted student. Ask if there are current students you could speak to when you visit, and give them the date of your tour.
When you go, try to imagine yourself walking to class there. Come prepared with questions to ask those current students about life on campus, classes, professors, food, the dorms, anything that will help you make a decision about the school. This will not only arm you with more intel so that you can make an informed decision by May 1st, but it’s also a great way to occupy your down time rather than doom scrolling videos of kids opening admissions emails on TikTok or IG and ruminating on what you could have done differently.
Avoid comparisons with others
Easy to say, difficult to do. But because admissions decisions are highly individualized, we can’t always compare our results to those of our peers. Sometimes it is a cut-and-dry matter of statistics: one person may not have had the grades and test scores to get admitted, and someone else might have. But more often than not, if you apply to different programs within a college, then a different standard applies. So a student applying to Comparative Literature with a B average in Math but excellent grades and rigor everywhere else might get in, while a 4.0 student applying to Engineering with stronger Math rigor and weaker English rigor may not. How do you compare those two situations? (That’s a rhetorical question—you can’t)
Try not to stack up the number of acceptances you’ve received to the number others have gotten. Maybe they applied to 5 likely schools, and you applied to 1 or 2. Maybe they had 8 high reaches and you had 3. You can’t just stack up your numbers next to someone else’s numbers and make a judgment call about who is “better” in general, or “more deserving” of admission to one college in particular.
Start a gratitude journal
If you applied to UPenn, do you remember that “thank-you” letter you had to write? And even if you didn’t apply to UPenn, perhaps you saw the Common App prompt about something that made you grateful “in a surprising way”?
Well, those are there for a reason. Being grateful, and expressing that gratitude—whether by writing or by telling someone in person—can have surprising impacts on our psyche. Beyond the obvious generally-better-attitude that we cultivate through regular counting of our blessings and giving thanks, students have reported “less anxiety, and more satisfaction with both their friendships and life 6 weeks later. [...] Students who practiced gratitude reported being calmer, less stressed, more focused on learning, and more motivated and resilient in the face of academic challenges.” [4]
Take some time each day to stop and think for twenty minutes, and write down one positive thing from the day that you’re grateful for. You can write in a notebook or journal, keep a page in the Notes app on your phone, use a Google Doc, or even one of the many journaling apps that you can download from the app store. Regardless of how you record your gratitude, it’s important to take a few minutes to pause and recognize the positive in our daily lives. You might realize that you have more going for you than your college admissions letters.
And, who knows? Maybe you’ll take UPenn’s advice and “share [a] note with that person [who made you feel grateful], if possible, and reflect on the experience”. [5]
Summary
Getting a deferral—or even a denial—hurts. There’s no way around it. It’s important to acknowledge that, but that does not mean we have to mire ourselves in it. Take some time to feel disappointed, maybe a couple days; talk to a friend or trusted adult if that’s helpful. But after you have taken a bit of space to pause and digest those feelings, then it’s time to take steps to move forward.
Remind yourself, daily if you have to, that these decisions aren’t personal—these admissions people don’t really know you! And, as they themselves will admit: you are awesome, and you could be successful at their college. There just isn’t enough space for everyone who applies. But your story isn’t over: you have (or will have) colleges excited about you, and you still have RD decisions to look forward to as well. Your story isn’t over.
Look into the colleges that have accepted you and remind yourself why you applied to those colleges to begin with. What programs, opportunities, locations, or vibes attracted you to that institution? Dig deeper into their programs and events; talk to your parents about scheduling a tour to go visit! Look forward to that trip! But in the meantime, consider all the positive things in your life; take some time every day to think of one good thing that happened that day and be grateful for it (or for the person who did that thing for you). Write that down—this is key—as writing helps us process our thoughts and feelings, so don’t just think the thought, commit it to a page, or a screen… somewhere!
You will go to college somewhere, and you can do great things at any place you go. And, at the end of the day, that’s what matters. The disappointment of a deferral or denial will pass. Just remember that the decision the college made has very little to do with you.
Citations
[1] “How To Apply: Decision Explanations”, College of William and Mary. https://www.wm.edu/admission/undergraduateadmission/how-to-apply/after-applying/decision-explanations/ (Accessed: Feb 13, 2025).
[2] Berkeley actually received 124,000 freshman applicants; they are the second-most-applied-to UC in the system, next to UCLA. “UC Berkeley Quick Facts”, University of Calfiornia Berkeley. https://opa.berkeley.edu/campus-data/uc-berkeley-quick-facts (Accessed: Feb 13, 2025).
[3] S. Mitra Kalita, “College Admissions Experts Explain the Merits of Not Getting In”, (Charter, a TIME partner; online) https://time.com/charter/6164408/what-college-rejections-can-mean/ (Accessed: Feb 13, 2025).
[4] Ross E. O’Hara, PhD, “The Power of Gratitude”, Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nudging-ahead/202211/the-power-of-gratitude (Accessed: Feb 14, 2025).
[5] University of Pennsylvania Admissions, “Essays and Short Answer Prompts”. https://admissions.upenn.edu/how-to-apply/preparing-your-application/essays-prompts (Accessed: Feb 14, 2025).